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A Note on Ambiguity

June 5, 2013

My life is currently filled with ambiguity.  And I’m feeling very ambiguous about it.  I am someone who has always loved having structure.  School was awesome, because my schedule was super regular and it was easy to schedule things like time to go to the gym, planning meals, and rehearsals.  Then, once I moved into the world of doing theatre for a living, my schedule was known six to eight weeks out at a time, sometimes longer.  Then I moved into the world of retail, and my schedule was varied week to week, but I still had the stability of living in the same place.  That now has changed.

As part of my plan to save money in order to move to LA, I’ve decided to couch surf from now (well, 5 days ago) until my move at the beginning of September.  While initially excited by the idea, I’m now on day 6 of surfing and let me tell you…it is very anxiety ridden.  You have to plan meticulously, yet be able to change your plans on almost a moment’s notice, because you are at the whim of other people’s generosity.  You have to figure out how not to spend money by going out to eat, since you don’t have a kitchen to call your own.  And you can’t get used to a sleep regimen, because you’re constantly changing the type of bed or couch you’re sleeping on, and the amount of light that comes into the room where you’re sleeping changes as well.

So far, it’s been going pretty well.  While my anxiety levels are at an all time high, I have a great support system and lots of friends who are reaching out to help and offer couches and beds.  But things are certainly in a weird place.  And not just in my living situation.

I recently started seeing someone who’s in a relationship. Being the secondary person in someone’s relationship life wouldn’t normally appeal to me, but since I’m leaving, it’s really just nice to have a regular partner for sex and companionship while I’m in this period of transition.  Yet at the same time, I’m a person who enjoys knowing where he stands with the person he cares about.  And this relationship is largely undefined.  Which both adds to the anxiety and takes away from it, since it means a place to stay sometimes as well as physical intimacy that is highly rewarding.

So I’m attempting to embrace the ambiguity in my life, trusting that it will make me a stronger person.  By the time I get to LA, I will be highly self-sufficient while at the same time very comfortable with asking for help when I need it.  I will be more comfortable with dating someone and not needing to know where things stand every second of every day.  I will be able to adapt to any living situation.  I will have learned how to fall asleep in any environment. I will value a steady sexual partner over a series of one night stands.  And I will be more appreciative of a stable place to live. 

All in all, I’m determined to learn everything that I can from this experience and use it to become a better person.  I hope you all will enjoy this journey as I continue to post about it. 

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